Friday, August 19, 2016

Two realities

Coming to this space of mine hopefully in a very incognito type way, and to spew out thoughts that possibly but more than likely will come out like word vomit. I have this overwhelming spiritual nausea right now. The kind of feeling where you know something needs to change, yet you feel so alone and scared. That mixed in with anxiety has left me hanging out on the couch till 1AM googling every feeling I am feeling, just searching for someone that has written a blog with big neon letters in the title saying, "ITS OKAY. YOU AREN'T ALONE. LOOK HERE ARE SOME WORDS WRITTEN BELOW THAT YOU CAN RESONATE WITH".

 I feel like I have been hiding who I am or what I want to be for years in fear of judgement. Even after acknowledging the fact that I am hiding I still can not seem to deal with my issues publicly. The idea of exposure leaves me feeling vulnerable like I should be lying on the cold ground in a ball till the wee hours of the morning.

Growing up in the South, the Bible Belt, if you aren't southern baptist, you are wrong. So this leads me to my shame. A sort of artificial, because I was raised that way, shame. (See how I am typing in circles here? It's almost like I can not even write it or say it in fear of someone I know reading this.)

I want to investigate the LDS church.

There.

Where most would say, "what's the big deal? No one cares." I do, because it's an internal struggle with myself. At 24, I want to change my whole way of life and believe in something that to me is like jumping off a tall building. When the idea pops into to my head about how it feels right to me, it's quickly followed by, "but what will they think?" That's honestly one of my only reservations. "What will they think?"
Cue, "will I be what they want now that I believe differently?"

Aka. I am not enough.

Here is where we flip to the other side.

Will I be enough for the new church?
Tattooed, sailor mouth, hardly a virgin before marriage, etc...etc...

Will I ever truly fit in? Can I be this model of who Jesus Christ expects of me? Will I ever be able to fulfill the requirements. I often feel a twinge of judgment and uncomfortableness as I sit in the pew. Like they all know I'm not really this well dressed, gracious woman I often feel like I'm faking. Will this feeling ever go away?

Heavenly Father believes I'm enough, but when will I? When will I accept my shame for what it is, and just do what I feel is right?

I am stuck between two realities.

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