Toss up

Today it's a toss up between, what I want to write, and what I feel like people want to read. I COULD write about how today was an awesome day, but then.. it slowly.. just faded into a sad and depressing night. 

Or I'll just write what's on my mind, and people can stop reading when they want. 

My husband and I are going through a lot of tough decisions right now. Mostly though I am the one that deals with our financial issues. NOT because he can't or won't, but because I am just more organized. Plus, I am a stay at home wife, and I gladly take that burden along with laundry while he is hard at work for me and our little family (Me and the cat).

Lately though.. it's been stressing me out, and I am nervous about our future. I feel anxious about not knowing the right thing to do, and landing us in yet again a pithole of crap. (Sorry. That's what it feels like though) I am scared because not only do I not feel like I know what I am doing, but I feel like a child. I feel like I am just moseying along and then I start freaking out because everyone else seems to know what they are doing! So, needless to say, I am stressing.. I don't know what is best, and neither does my husband. We pray constantly , and I have also had my time of silence. I just.. don't know.

Another thing.. ugh.. I had another break down. 

I have these break downs, and my husband doesn't really know how to deal with it. Mostly, because he doesn't understand and never really will. So, I turn to my blog, hoping someone will read it and understand. Hoping someone that has gone through this will reach out to me because I honestly just need all the encouragement right now. 

I can't stop seeing women that are pregnant, baby clothes, nursery ideas on pinterest..etc. It all seems to be in my face all the time. I know that's because I choose to do this to myself, but at the same time.. I feel like a lot of people are expecting me to be better now. To move on. Because I miscarried at 6 weeks, I was "blessed". To put things in perspective.. I fell in love with my husband in three days. Now imagine a child for six weeks. I am just so sick of people telling me that it was better that way. Rather than 6 months. To me.. it's the same. I can't help but to randomly grieve. When I say randomly, I mean.. randomly. I can't help but think about how right now I could be almost 10 weeks pregnant. Well on my way to a healthy pregnancy. Sometimes I can't get the images out of my head  that haunt me. Seeing it all happen and not being able to stop it. Being the only one really.. to experience it. I can't get the voices out of my head of people who kept telling me while I was bleeding from the miscarriage that the baby might still be there. That it might still happen. When all reality.. I knew what was going on.

And now, the moment I feel the slightest headache paired with nausea and fatigue.. I get scared. Anxious. Scared to open my heart up again. "What if I am pregnant again, and I lose it again?" The pain from just one and then doubled? What if it happens soon? What if? What if? I try to be all rainbows and sunshine, but.. sometimes, it's not "okay". Sometimes, I don't understand the Lord's plan, and sometimes I am angry about it. 

I feel like a horrible person.