3/30- Today was honestly one of the toughest days I've had while being a mommy. We went to Fallon to support your cousin Josh while he was ordained in teaching for his church. While I loved being there for him, we had to stay at the church for three hours. Our normal church times is usually a hour, and that's if we go. Needless to say, you weren't used to being away from home for so long. I tried nursing you to comfort you, and you hated having to be covered. I would play with you, change your diapers, sing to you, and bounce you. You just fussed the entire time, and I couldn't help but feel like a huge failure as a mom as people looked at us. ( I am sure they weren't looking at us like I thought they were. I am just a paranoid weirdo, I guess.) I felt awful that I couldn't comfort you, and in return I admittedly didn't even want to hold you anymore because it just made me feel even worse. I wanted to scream and throw up my hands in despair. As a mom, I feel like that is the worst feeling. To not want to be around your child. It made me feel so guilty for even having those thoughts. Granddad and Grandma finally dropped us all off at home, and you and I laid in bed to cuddle. All the sudden you gave me that handsome grin of yours, and right then and there I melted. You reminded me in that moment that you are the best thing I have ever done, and I love being your mommy. I love to make you happy. I love you in general. Today was tough, but it's over now. Tomorrow is a new day full of discoveries and new firsts. I can't wait.
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