Miscarriage and it's affects on Current Pregnancy

 

Throughout this pregnancy I have had a very annoying little voice in the back of my head. Paranoia, fear. Its always just the little things that get me. Things like "Jude hasn't kicked me in awhile, something is wrong."  or my pee is a little dark and the lighting in the bathroom makes the tissue look like it has a red tint. (Tmi, I'm sorry, but it's true) My previous miscarriage has made this whole pregnancy a whole lot harder. Its made it harder to trust God with this child. It has made me compare everything with Jude to the other baby instead of just focusing on Jude.

 

I hate that I've only just begun to let this all soak in. That he WILL be my son, and he WILL happen. I am not really sure the direction I am trying to go with all this mumbo jumbo. I guess I really just needed to say how hard pregnancy after loss. It's scary, scary to get attached.

 

Yet, here I am putting together a high chair, a mobile, and designing a wall that has little pictures on it just for him. I love him so much already.